cynnig

i would really love to travel out of this city to somewhere quieter and happier, with much less to worry about. actually i would clearly prefer having NOTHING at all to worry about. i think the best trip i had was to Chiang Mai. the weather was so perfect - it was warm and sunny enough in the day, enough to get me a nice tan. and then it was cool OR VERY COLD at night at maybe 15 degrees (i was in hillside village!), but all i had to do was dress myself warmly in long-johns and pullovers and hide in my nice warm sleeping bag with my roomies.

The days couldn't have gone by any better. we spend the days teaching and playing with the village kids, laughing at who hasnt bathed for the longest time and vow to stay away from them, but always end up breaking our promises under circumstances beyond our control, ie them running to us wanting a piggy back or a hug of some sort. it's just too hard to not hug them you know! they are how cute! lunch is always simple but very, very good. i mean you look around, realise you are in a village, getting maggi mee is already a big juxtaposition. well apart from this once in a while luxury-urban inventions, there's always the more traditional plain rice and soy sauce. once we had fresh leaves on a platter and when we asked where those came from, my host replied in this matter-of-fact tone, "from the neighbour's garden." haha, i believe if this happened here in our legalistic society, surely there's bound to be some money to be made. so those were the simple meals.

then dusk would fall, the weather starts to turn cold. mostly, we would all try to bathe before night comes. no water heaters to warm us, we hardly ever get any hot water to drink either so that was probably the only way to avoid the cold and stay clean, BATHE EARLY! i used to laugh at how it's impossible to be really clean in the village. right after bath, you walk past all the chicken coops and pig sties and maybe past a buffalo shit-pile. you know what i mean. and then if you meet a kid who wont go home for dinner, she would run to you to ask you for a game of kick the slippers or something. there goes the bath. haha. but it's fun, it's really still fun. believe me, i'm a clean freak.

the night's are the best, we sit around campfires, to warm our hands. we gaze at the skies, and stare so long at it until it becomes hard to find a patch of black with no glitter. it's true. the lack of street lamps, tall towers and lights of any sort at night returns the limelight back to the skies. the almighty sea of black littered with stars, how can you not find serenity. and the best part of all is, you get to see SHOOTING STARS, every single night. We would compete to see how many shooting stars we can catch with our own eyes each night, beating the record from the previous day. With songs to hum along for accompaniment, how much more can you ask for?

Disappointingly, right this very moment, im faced with experiences that cannot be anymore different. each second drips away like wasted water, as I make the mad rush day and night to cover as many topics as i can. there's constantly something ringing in my head. it's hard to tell what, sometimes a task or two, sometimes fear, sometimes, stress. and i thought to get this ringing out of my head, i would write something here. since for the longest time, i havent quite done so. At such times, i would really thinking about dropping everything and move to london. it's not impossible, i actually thought those news were the greatest ever to happen (for like 3 full seconds). but that's loserly and loserish... maybe when i grow older, i would start to realise how much i can't stand being stressed and unhappy, i would quit everything i have madly rushed for and sit by at home, designing and sewing clothes, or travelling! a globetrotter, i could be! with enough cash i hope to last me... money is sucha bitch. well, to end off, i have to say i need to come back to reality and back to my books. i have wasted more than trickles of time. december shall come by, and i will enjoy dancing to my fullest and hopefully, fit some time for travelling.

if you asked me what my special talent was, i could think for a while and conclude with the same line, "i don't have one." It's not in a self pity kind of way but i really dont have a special talent. not unless you consider something quite silly as rolling my tongue. i can't do bigger feats like lick my elbows. my anatomy does not permit me to bend my wrist so far back or front as to look freaky and supernatural. i dont have hyper extended limbs/joints to make myself look contorted or to even get someone's attention. i have a normal face, a normal physique and a normal mind.

i have never done particularly well at anything before. i suck at daytona. i can't win at arcade games. i tried ddr today for the first time and i definitely am not gifted in it. i have never really tried time crisis proper, but i know im not that good with aiming.

i can do every most sports without looking too disgusting. i can play ball games, i can catch, i can run, i can pass, i can toss i can throw. but im average in them. i wanted to be great at netball and i tried out for the netball team when i was younger, but i freaked out because the coach was just monstrous and scary. her words were painful and vile, i knew i couldnt last two weeks with those training.

that leads me. i dont have a particularly strong personality. i crumble under too much stress. i dont always fight for what i think is right because i lack that amount of confidence too. im afraid of being overconfdent and complacent, so i make sure i never let myself get too air headed over one achievement. i dont think im smart and i get validation for that fact in many aspects. but most times, i get validation from mygrades and i know that is unhealthy but, i really cant help it. i dont do well enough in school to get on the dean's list. i dont have the best time management around because my dance instructor has basically declared that to everyone.

im kind, but not kind enough to get people to remember that. im not humourous, mostly just retarded and awkward. im really honest, but i border on being blunt. then i learn my lesson, and hold reign over my words because im afraid of hurting people's feelings. then i feel dissatisfied because i didnt get to say what i really feel about him/her. im always placed in a dilemma and i cant decide because i am fickle. those times, when im crystal clear about what i want or need, i feel good about myself.

im the sort of girl whom you wont mind not having as a friend, because i blend in so well, you wouldnt realised you would have missed out on knowing anyone interesting you want in your life. im the sort of girl who takes a ride and gets stopped at every red light. im the sort of girl who reaches the bus stop and her bus drives off without her on good time. im the sort of girl who makes a mad rush for her train, but misses it because she didnt top up her card. im the sort of girl who falls while mounting the steps on the bus, and no one would come forward to help her. im the sort of girl who isnt good at anything and isnt remembered for any skill/talent. im the sort of girl who gets forgotten easily, until you see me in one of your photos.

im the sort of girl who is as ordinary as can be. im the sort of girl you think would definitely have a whole good bunch of friends outside of the circle i am currently seen with, because i dont seem comfortable with the current one. im the sort of girl whom you think i would fit in somewhere but you dont know where.

im the sort of girl, who would say all these because she knows you dont have the guts to say it to her.

finally, some guts, from this sort of girl.

Madly depressing,
Burning heat,
Minutely appeased,
Vaguely familiar,
Loosely bound,
Narrow mind,
Truly sorry.

A veritable coward.

Getting by,

Might never be.

i didn't plan to rant on the phone last night, but somehow i did. i certainly don't regret complaining about every aspect of everything to you because you spoke to me like we lived through childhood together, like you knew my every move, like you knew how wide a stride my next step would be. you spoke from your heart and i could feel it. for once in a really long time, we are perfect in my eyes again. you probably don't know, but a single message from you could bring my heart on a rollercoaster.

Please don't let that spoil the us that we were yesterday.

i watched men's gymnastics all round finals just now. and i really wished you were right next to me. olympics is thrice more fun with you around. it's infinity times more meaningful. (:

As much as i hate ageing, i still like growing. beams. birthday's are fun, aren't they? people who don't usually talk to you make a move to show that they remember you. i need these gestures. because sometimes, i get a little tired of making the first move. getting a friend out for a meal, drop by town to pick up a gift for another friend, plan a surprise party for a common friend's birthday. you know, once in a while, i would like people to do something for me too.

i'm growing older, pictures are becoming clearer. family always lasts. i know i will always have daddy around. the first to initiate the purchase of tickets to my dance performances. the first to make a promise (that always, always comes true) that he would be there, anywhere, to watch me dance. of course, unless, i don't want him to. i will always have daddy to tell me i'm a little winner in his heart, even when many others don't cast the same light on me. just like the old photographs we keep, he can make me stop crying. he can make bring out the best in me. the last time i cried buckets, i didn't as well as others in law school. mommy didn't know the right words. but daddy knew. and he did his magic. i stopped crying. he warms my heart. he's a true hero, you know?

and then there's mommy. on good days, she's such an angel. on bad days, she can be the last person i want to speak to. tutoring a twelve year old has made me think about my relationship with mommy alot. listening to samantha tell me how much she hates her mommy brought much discomfort. i know, at various points in my pubescent years, i have said that same line uncountable number of times. it's beyond me to understand why i could bear so much angst in me then. i tried to recall what was the best thing to hear from a older person when i felt like i could do without a parent who was so capable of making me feel like a terrible and unworthy child. i really couldn't recall. that night, i think, the best thing i said to a twelve year old samantha was, think about all the happy times you shared with your mommy. can you really hate her? i was greeted by memories from london. those were major good times with mommy. (:

and then there's my brother. the older, smarter, tanner and much less sensitive and caring one. he promises to give me a lift, but ends up dropping me along the way to catch a bus because he needs to pick up his wife. the one who forces me to brave the rains because he needs to take a different route to meet his friends. he's one irritating fellow more times than he is being a sweet brother. but there's always going to be a soft spot reserved for him in my heart. i would always give him my chilli padies, because i know he really loves them. (:

alex is like family to me. my birthdays would never peak without him. this year, i was truly touched by all the efforts. really. it's not beyond him to make my gifts, but it is asking a lot from him to scrutiinse of every detail possible, because one minor defect would face criticisms from me. it's how our relationship has become. i raise the bars so high, it sours every aspect of us possible. the cut-edges of the flower isn't perfect, but the product of weeks of effort conceals any imperfection which might be glaring on first sight. i know you would re-mould the world just for me if you could. it doesn't matter what you give me anymore, i realise. i just need you around on the most special days, and if it's possible, every single day of my life. 

before i end this lengthy post, and turn my attention to the olympic games again, i would like to profess my love for every single one of you who remembered my special day, who sent me your love from wherever you are, and and, tracy tan, for keeping our 16 years of friendship (regardless of how we both lost contact midway).

(: i'm loved, and i'm thankful.

the sun's almost done for today. i am glad he is about to share his warmth elsewhere. the terrible heat is getting into me. i'm all uncomfortable, and i feel like a lizard. last night was good fun. Twister and Taboo ranks 1 and 2 on my list of favourite games. Right after good old classic SuperMario. i know, i can be such a retard. Psp is The Thing now that bringing my Gameboy colour out is almost like social suicide. but i don't think i would mind the stares that much. How can anyone ever get bored of SuperMario? On this note, i would like to say that i would very much prefer the good old familiar over anything else anytime. regardless of how much fun the new and fresh awaits. there's nothing wrong with being sentimental.

I realised how difficult it is to actually keep up with a journal. I never grew tired of writing. well how can i when i actually like doing just that. But the trouble isn't in typing, but recalling a day's events, and trying to grasp the feelings all back, hoping they would be as intense as how i had felt it when it all happened. I'm fussy about seizing the moment, and having someone else there to witness everything with me, and then we can reminisce over a cup of tea and pastries. it's important, no? i like to think that in every even we experience, there's got to be one other being with you, because company just makes everything better. and when you've got no one around, there's always something called the camera. but even that, i think im starting to ignore the convenience of it all. i haven't been snapping enough pictures about my summer holidays or telling many about how every day went. clearly, i sound like i don't seem to be enjoying it at all. but really, it isnt the case. the best part of summer is not the stuff we do, but the fact that school's out and i get a freedom of choices about what i want to do with every minute of my life and own responsibility for every second wasted. school's different. most times, it creates a repulsive feeling when you ponder on the root of the root of why you aren't happy about what you are doing. as much as i would like to make people happy, i don't want to be feeling like nothing seems to be in my control. i like to be ahead of everything and everyone when i make my decisions. i stand for what i do, and i say it aloud, right before anyone voices his opinion about what i should be doing. i need to have that dominance when it concerns the days of my life. right.

if you are still keen to know, i have been preoccupied with internship. it isnt mandatory to do an internship in first year of law school but i thought i needed a headstart. i really am not one of the brightest people around you know. besides, i make way too many blunders in the course of picking up something new. i thought, it might be a good idea to get a good anchor of what might await me in year two. apart from that, i actually really want to find out if i would grow to like what i do in maybe 4 years time. once in a while, im gripping with fear when im reminded of how lost i still am about what i want to do. it's unlike me. a young adult (or so my age categorises me in) who's about to enter the jaws of evil society and im far from armouring myself with the right kind of skills that i would be able to survive best in. i am supposed to be in the process of learning my way around the -collared crowd but im not even fully convinced that that is the way that i want to thrive in a dog eat dog world. it's not even a given that i have to be part of it. you know, i can choose to b excluded from it, and watch how people struggle and lose their souls from the news, the latest dramas which try to depict the current societal trends. i could really be apathetic and live a quiet simple life as a housewife, or maybe a kindergarden teacher... but, a large part of me wants to own enough power, to feel what it's like to be in control of everything within you and in your peripheral. instead of having to work within your limits, you have others to work to their maximum, just to make you happy.

i wonder its important to be superior than others in terms of class. if people could learn the definition of humility, maybe those they think live beneath them wouldn't be perpetually jealous and defensive. there is nothing wrong with being rich and famous, but along with those powers and blessed life you have, you should jolly well learn a thing or two about modesty.

i learnt about family this holidays. i really did. parents become desolate and alone when they realise their kids aren't normal, very much unlike their colleagues' or neighbours. parents are the strongest heroes in the eyes of a child, regardless of Ironman toys or thomas the train. parents make countless sacrifices to instil in their children faith, trust and happiness. parents, dont have to go beyond their means to bring up a happy and healthy child. but so many parents are willing do so, because they are more afraid of failing than role than living a life of regret. parents have more lonely moments that their children. simply because, they would much rather be unhappy alone. parents have a million things on their mind, but out of that million, ninety-eight percent of them concern their children. parents aren't perfect people, but they try their hardest to be in the eyes of their child.

People don't get tired doing the things they love to do. Neither do they feel like they would ever do enough for the people they love. I wouldn't say i am any different from the masses of people who do what they love, do it with dexterity, and do it with relentless energy. I could do it. And i jolly well did it. For this one person who meant a lot. But the thing is, even if we don't feel the fatigue in the eyes from screen glares, or the stiffening neck from leaving it positioned in that angle in that degree for hours and hours each day, we really do feel it when it all gets thrown back at you. You start to feel a lot more of that discomfort and dissatisfaction when what you did wasn't good enough to keep the receiver as drawn into it as how you had been and how you had spent so much of you trying to fulfil that very purpose. I think we are all inherently selfish. you are selfish. i am selfish. but the word has meanings we can never truly comprehend because in every context, selfish takes on a different definition. for all those times i spewed words that i don't truly mean and called you selfish, they can be ignored. this time, you are just plain selfish. so, so, so selfish. truly wished the gift didn't fall on those hands.

I tend to not draw any relevance to my journal titles. I type what comes to my mind. but this has got to mean something. being one-task minded. (: i like to multi task. i like to work on more than one item on my list at a time. I had wanted this holidays to be the same way. it is... but it's just quite different altogether. i have started dance in school again and that was not planned. i would say i am rather lucky that people still have faith in what i had in me before. there must be something good to give me a place on stage. and then there's bizcom. and then there's occasional tuition. and then there's the ongoing job searches (which would be ending soon if i dont land myself in one).

I have been scrimping and saving quite a bit lately. not in the sort of way where i skip meals and take drastic actions to not spend a cent but i abstain from shopping, and lessen my lack-of-shopping pains by being drawn into hk dramas one after the other. i spend less on starbucks coffee even when i crave for a caramel frapp, i only buy california rolls on offer. i havent eaten subway since a fortnight ago (and that was the one time since many fornights ago). i havent got anything new from the postbox since last month. i don't mind not holidaying this summer break. but i cannot deny that i am envious that others do. but i know there's going to be a better time in the future when i do and it would be another time of my life. i can wait. (:

i had one goal this summer. i am actually satisfied that i planned for it, and i am making it happen. with 90% my own means.