cynnig

I realised how difficult it is to actually keep up with a journal. I never grew tired of writing. well how can i when i actually like doing just that. But the trouble isn't in typing, but recalling a day's events, and trying to grasp the feelings all back, hoping they would be as intense as how i had felt it when it all happened. I'm fussy about seizing the moment, and having someone else there to witness everything with me, and then we can reminisce over a cup of tea and pastries. it's important, no? i like to think that in every even we experience, there's got to be one other being with you, because company just makes everything better. and when you've got no one around, there's always something called the camera. but even that, i think im starting to ignore the convenience of it all. i haven't been snapping enough pictures about my summer holidays or telling many about how every day went. clearly, i sound like i don't seem to be enjoying it at all. but really, it isnt the case. the best part of summer is not the stuff we do, but the fact that school's out and i get a freedom of choices about what i want to do with every minute of my life and own responsibility for every second wasted. school's different. most times, it creates a repulsive feeling when you ponder on the root of the root of why you aren't happy about what you are doing. as much as i would like to make people happy, i don't want to be feeling like nothing seems to be in my control. i like to be ahead of everything and everyone when i make my decisions. i stand for what i do, and i say it aloud, right before anyone voices his opinion about what i should be doing. i need to have that dominance when it concerns the days of my life. right.

if you are still keen to know, i have been preoccupied with internship. it isnt mandatory to do an internship in first year of law school but i thought i needed a headstart. i really am not one of the brightest people around you know. besides, i make way too many blunders in the course of picking up something new. i thought, it might be a good idea to get a good anchor of what might await me in year two. apart from that, i actually really want to find out if i would grow to like what i do in maybe 4 years time. once in a while, im gripping with fear when im reminded of how lost i still am about what i want to do. it's unlike me. a young adult (or so my age categorises me in) who's about to enter the jaws of evil society and im far from armouring myself with the right kind of skills that i would be able to survive best in. i am supposed to be in the process of learning my way around the -collared crowd but im not even fully convinced that that is the way that i want to thrive in a dog eat dog world. it's not even a given that i have to be part of it. you know, i can choose to b excluded from it, and watch how people struggle and lose their souls from the news, the latest dramas which try to depict the current societal trends. i could really be apathetic and live a quiet simple life as a housewife, or maybe a kindergarden teacher... but, a large part of me wants to own enough power, to feel what it's like to be in control of everything within you and in your peripheral. instead of having to work within your limits, you have others to work to their maximum, just to make you happy.

i wonder its important to be superior than others in terms of class. if people could learn the definition of humility, maybe those they think live beneath them wouldn't be perpetually jealous and defensive. there is nothing wrong with being rich and famous, but along with those powers and blessed life you have, you should jolly well learn a thing or two about modesty.

i learnt about family this holidays. i really did. parents become desolate and alone when they realise their kids aren't normal, very much unlike their colleagues' or neighbours. parents are the strongest heroes in the eyes of a child, regardless of Ironman toys or thomas the train. parents make countless sacrifices to instil in their children faith, trust and happiness. parents, dont have to go beyond their means to bring up a happy and healthy child. but so many parents are willing do so, because they are more afraid of failing than role than living a life of regret. parents have more lonely moments that their children. simply because, they would much rather be unhappy alone. parents have a million things on their mind, but out of that million, ninety-eight percent of them concern their children. parents aren't perfect people, but they try their hardest to be in the eyes of their child.

People don't get tired doing the things they love to do. Neither do they feel like they would ever do enough for the people they love. I wouldn't say i am any different from the masses of people who do what they love, do it with dexterity, and do it with relentless energy. I could do it. And i jolly well did it. For this one person who meant a lot. But the thing is, even if we don't feel the fatigue in the eyes from screen glares, or the stiffening neck from leaving it positioned in that angle in that degree for hours and hours each day, we really do feel it when it all gets thrown back at you. You start to feel a lot more of that discomfort and dissatisfaction when what you did wasn't good enough to keep the receiver as drawn into it as how you had been and how you had spent so much of you trying to fulfil that very purpose. I think we are all inherently selfish. you are selfish. i am selfish. but the word has meanings we can never truly comprehend because in every context, selfish takes on a different definition. for all those times i spewed words that i don't truly mean and called you selfish, they can be ignored. this time, you are just plain selfish. so, so, so selfish. truly wished the gift didn't fall on those hands.

I tend to not draw any relevance to my journal titles. I type what comes to my mind. but this has got to mean something. being one-task minded. (: i like to multi task. i like to work on more than one item on my list at a time. I had wanted this holidays to be the same way. it is... but it's just quite different altogether. i have started dance in school again and that was not planned. i would say i am rather lucky that people still have faith in what i had in me before. there must be something good to give me a place on stage. and then there's bizcom. and then there's occasional tuition. and then there's the ongoing job searches (which would be ending soon if i dont land myself in one).

I have been scrimping and saving quite a bit lately. not in the sort of way where i skip meals and take drastic actions to not spend a cent but i abstain from shopping, and lessen my lack-of-shopping pains by being drawn into hk dramas one after the other. i spend less on starbucks coffee even when i crave for a caramel frapp, i only buy california rolls on offer. i havent eaten subway since a fortnight ago (and that was the one time since many fornights ago). i havent got anything new from the postbox since last month. i don't mind not holidaying this summer break. but i cannot deny that i am envious that others do. but i know there's going to be a better time in the future when i do and it would be another time of my life. i can wait. (:

i had one goal this summer. i am actually satisfied that i planned for it, and i am making it happen. with 90% my own means.

Just about an hour ago i was talking to my favouritest person on the phone. for the threshold level i have for people's complaints, i must say mine is the highest for him. so this is for him:

lexfng, i know you know this but i have to tell you again. today, i liked listening to you complain because i feel like i havent heard from you for quite awhile. i know your life is hard now, and i might never be able to empathise with you to an extent where i can safely and confidently say, 'i know how you feel', but the fact is, i really do understand how it feels like to be at the down point of the cycle of luck (or fate or karma or whatever people term it as). probably of a different root cause but i definitely know how unfair the universe is when everything is just out to get you one after the other. you look up and wonder, when is this going to be over. i know, i know. but life picked up for me when i met you. like you brought along with you showers of blessing. you might remember the day i cried happy tears on the beach because i was so thankful you belonged to me. i can't say the same for myself whether i am bringing an blessings to you at all, but the fact that im right here whenever you need me is, i guess, sort of a blessing? the thing about me is, i listen. i don't just hear what you have to say and forget them, i commit to memory everything about what you tell me. for the unblemished record i have about what happens in your life, when your soc, your life run, your field camp is, what food is nice in your canteen, how disgusting your cookhouse food is, how loud your gay friends are, maybe event their names, how smelly your uniform is, how often you need to cut your hair, what time you book in book out book in again, when your off days are... you are in it, i am with it. my calendar has since been adjusted to school and you. weekdays not free, weekends must be free. weekends not free, bring you along to whatever im occupied with (which is mostly my room where i work hard and you, dream hard.)

we talked about how people change just now didnt we? and you reassured me you didnt. i wouldnt agree no matter what because you have changed too. you've got a stronger fighting spirit than before, you've got a bigger pride than before. what you are deprived of now only makes you more determined to achieve them in the future. what you can't get your hands on now, taught you how to treasure when you had them. when my path is hindered by an obstacle and i have no choice but to cross it, you tell me things happen for a reason. can i say the same to you now? these all happen for a reason. maybe it plays a huge part in building your character or maybe it prepares you for the tougher roads ahead. maybe all the time spent on doing nothing gives you an opportunity to aspire. you are learning how to learn.

what i am saying is, this part of your life is not avoidable and i don't want you to compromise on any decisions that would not benefit you in the long run. you have what it takes to be better than what you are now. but it's a one-way road. you have to get through this before you head anywhere else. i'm proud of you for sticking through thus far. i'm proud of you for those times you proved yourself to be more than what others have marked you. somehow, i know how much happier you would be if you give up now, but i wouldn't allow that because that's just being a quitter. whether you fall out of line now or tomorrow might not be a significant event at all. but is that what you have been made out to be? you can fail in the decisions you make, but you cannot cannot cannot fail the principles you live by. you can make it to the end, you will make it to the end. you hear me? if i throw less tantrums, would things be made easier for you? if it would, i would really work on that.

p.s.: i'm here.

The reason why the last holidays were more easy on the emotions was because i was riding along a slower momentum of life. A kind of life where the ups and downs didn't fluctuate so much and so often everyday. The beauty of it all there was, despite the monotony and the lack of surprises in events, the enjoyment remains. I wished i could go on a holiday now but i wished harder that my parents have the same sentiments. Work's too busy for mommy, good work progress has just began for daddy. korkor is too busy building good foundations financially and emotionally for his new family. i didn't get the job which i was so willing to give up a lot for. i might know why they preferred someone else over me. i so wished i have displayed more signs of determination and persistance in getting a place at this. i don't like how this has turned out. confidence cannot seem to win battles for me at all. there's one other thing that makes me smile slightly though, my name is going to appear in the credits for the publication i have been rendering help in. i worked on the events calendar for the freshies for the entire day today. i'm beat. out.

Since the conclusion of A levels, i have been waiting most patiently for that sudden revelation to come to me. I was awaiting the moment to strike me, and then the path of my future outlines before me. at the other end, i see a reflection of myself a few years down the road, dressed in whatever i have always wanted to be. but this never came. 

i had dreams too. on ballet days, i would tell my daddy i wanted to be a ballerina because happy people dance. 

every other day, i would drag my little working table out and set up a counter with my mom's accounting calculator. thrash out whatever idling toys i have, books that fetch the higher values in my heart, lay them neatly on the table and begin my sales. i only liked that job because i got to share the good things about whatever my dad picked up, and he would ask me to value that piece of item in his hands. i like being in control of things. i liked working with the calculator. i had a thing for maths, i just never thought that would bring me to be a happy person.

one fine afternoon, after a chain of unfortunate event, a cat falls off from my storey. at the landing on the first floor, it crouched on all fours in a pool of blood around him. he wasn't dead, but i knew he would die. i wasn't allowed to do anything for it, but i made a silent promise to the fragile creature, i would save his kind and many others when i can next time. somehow, this promise lost its way and i never walked down a path to fulfil that promise. i cant be a vet.

i tried physics. because my dad and brother excelled in it. i thought i had it in me. i shouldnt have been that naive. but path was made clearer to me, i was going to pursue the arts in junior college. and i did. i enjoyed it, i did well enough in it.

i allowed my grades to guide my path. i want to be something, you know. i'm feeding a kid full of spite inside of me. i could never accept how everything was taken away from my family when i was younger. my diary writes, i hate lawyers. remind me again, when summer ends, what course am i doing... but it's not that. i know this path would definitely bring me somewhere. i will not give up. but i want to know where i'm heading after this. i haven't felt that burning passion yet. but i want to be something. that's what i'm working hard for. to be something. ginny's sort of something. the dad has high hopes pinned on his little girl. they must be for a reason, aint it?

i'm growing guts. slow and steady, i'm growing guts. it's a different kind of guts. not the guts to work for something that might make me extremely happy, but ride along the chase for what is more practical. i dared to try this path. i'm on this path. that demands guts. no? i do think so.

This is mega infuriating. I can't seem to find a job. I really miss teaching. It was almost everything i loved doing. I made my way to Kino's office today in hope to find the job i saw in the ad. and to my utmost horror, the vacancies were all filled! All the time wasted on travelling. This is really infuriating. SO. now i have to flip through my favourite section of the newspapers again. CLASSIFIED. THIS IS A TAD TOO DIFFICULT. 

p.s.: i am slightly excited for my intern. slightly.

Your Ice Cream Personality:

You like to think of yourself as a fairly modest person. And it's true that you don't talk yourself up... but you're also pretty happy with who you are. You have a wild reputation, but you're not as wild as you seem. You take risks, but only measured risks. You are a very open minded, liberal, and flexible person. You love many things. You tend to have tastes that range from down home to cosmopolitan. You are a natural multitasker. You feel alive when you're doing more than one thing at a time. You can be a big dramatic and over the top sometimes. You are bold in every way

I woke up one morning (actually it was just yesterday) and decided that i should certainly stop bumming at home or around because i have officially been in occupation of nothing but lazing and being lazier for a month. and to save my soul from decaying from doing absolutely nothing, i decided that it's time i get down to earning some money and live off my allowance (which somehow or rather, is never enough for me to spend). And besides, my cousin angered me terribly by referring to my behaviour of "awaiting allowance" shameless. Scuse me, dude, I am an independent girl of my age who started work when she was secondary three and this is a once in a year kind of affair that i am being such a lethargic piece of lard, so cut me some slack please. With all the melodrama (or not so) which i have narrated, i sent in my first job application as a secretary-slash-clerk (they wrote it this way in the ad... and you believe?) at a law firm. One, i thought this was an effective way to vanish from my home and excuse myself from cleaning the entire house. Two, it protects me from constant and endless streams of naggings when i do not perform the task of the point aforementioned. Three, I get to earn my own shopping and spending money, which i am always more in favour with but it takes me too long a time to get accustomed with the idea, and be guilt free about it. Four, it would be the only reason i want days to pass because pay day is always worth the wait, but holidays going by are not worth the loss. Finally, I would never need to experience the sadness of having only five dollars left in my big wallet.

I am currently preoccupied and genuinely captured by this novel called The Shadow of the Wind, with thanks to the same cousin who insulted my pride. honestly, it is a really good read. The plot's worth the attention, the language's worth the savoury. Enjoy.

"Do you love him, or don't you?"
A smile came and went. "It's none of your business."
"That's true.," I said. "It's only your business."
She gave me a cold look. "And what does it matter to you?"
"It's none of your business," I said.
She didn't smile. Her lips trembled. "People who know me know I'm fond of Pablo. My family and - "
"But I'm almost a stranger," I interrupted. "And I would like to hear it from you."
"Hear what?"
"That you really love him. That you're not marrying him to get away from home, to put distance between yourself and Barcelona and your family, to go somewhere where they can't hurt you. That you're leaving and not running away."
Her eyes shone with angry tears. "You have no right to say that to me, Daniel. You don't know me."
"Tell me I'm mistaken and I'll leave. Do you love him?"
We looked at each other for a long while, without saying a word.
"I don't know," she murmured at last. "I don't know."
"Someone once said that the moment you stop to think about whether you love someone, you've already stopped loving that person forever," I said.
Bea looked for th irony in my expression. "Who said that?"
"Someone called Julian Carax."
"A friend of yours?"
I caught myself nodding. "Sort of."
"You're going to have to introduce him to me."
"Tonight, if you like."
We left the university under a bruised sky and wandered aimlessly, going nowhere in particualr, just getting used to walking side by side. We took shelter in the only subject we had in common, her brother, Tomas. Bea spoke about him as if he were a virtual sranger, someone she loved but barely knew. She avoided my eyes and smiled nervously. I felt that she regretted what she said to me in the university cloister, that the words still hurt and were still gnawing at her.
"Listen, what I said to you before," she said suddenly, "you won't mention a word to Tomas, will you?"
"Of course not. I won't tell anyone."
She laughed nervously. "I don't know what came over me. Don't be offended, but sometimes one feels freer speaking to a stranger than to people one knows. Why is that?"
I shrugged. "Probably because a stranger sees us the way we are, not as he wishes to think we are."

(The Shadow of the Wind, Carlos Ruiz Zafon)

i need to start doing something Ginny. I haven't been myself for the longest time ever. This is a self-reminder.

I'm going to plead for a sewing machine.